the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
