I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I will be naked everywhere
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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