burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Drake has all the answers
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
