You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
