okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
you are never too drunk for berry picking
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
