I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
is it fun? or sober?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
