If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I enjoy the company of your penis
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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