i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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