we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
