seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Randomize
