She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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