we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
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