did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
