she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
Well my cheeks are red now
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.