I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
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Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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