The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
