so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
