I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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