babies were throwing up all over the place
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
