Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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