I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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