we're chasing vodka with high fives
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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