I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize