i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
