I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
