This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
