What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
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