My room smells like vodka and shame
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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