I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
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