My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
