I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
