I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
