Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
