I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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