I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
