I can text with my tongue
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
So vagazzling was a success
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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