Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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