Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Come share oat with me in your robe
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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