Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think I sprained my soul last night
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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