My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
