we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
she smelled like a LAN party
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
