there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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