I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
