i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
