last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
