areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
