I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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