Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
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