Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
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The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
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After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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