who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
