I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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