the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
