If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
