I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
