Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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