from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
