Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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