I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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