I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
