Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
