Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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